Monthly Archives: April 2014

Who would win in a fight, Jessica Fletcher or Matlock?

Today’s question comes from the Facebooks, where a  Anny Harris–a young lady who I presume is a fan of good television–asks, “Who would win in a fight, Jessica Fletcher or Matlock?”

I’m afraid to tell you, miss, but Ben isn’t the kind of man who’d raise his hand against a fine lady like Ms. Fletcher.  If she was to find herself in a spot of trouble–of the false accusation variety–he’d take her case and make sure that the weaselly bastard with beady eyes and unreasonably good looks (who just happens to resemble that fellow from the evening soap about the rich folks and the oil comp’ny) broke down crying and confessing on the stand.

‘Course, there’d be no need, on account of Ms. Fletcher would have the whole trouble sorted out at a fancy ballroom party before the DA even got involved.

Now, if Ben were to somehow find himself in a spot of trouble, the kind that put his head on the wrong end of a candlestick, I think we’d all agree that only a super criminal could be behind it.  It would require nothing less than the combined efforts of Ms. Fletcher, Lt. Columbo and both Ironside and Perry Mason.  They would have it almost all figured out, when Dr. Quincy would show up with the autopsy report that filled in that final detail.  Jim Rockford would make sure he got there on time with some fancy drivin’ skills.

I would also like to mention Kojak, on account of having two k’s and a j in your name makes for a terribly high triple word score.

That reminds me.  Did I ever tell you that it was my old friend Tim Wood who invented the game Scrabble?  Called him “Panel”.  On account of his name being wood, folks.  It’s not complicated.  Try to keep up.

Panel had a fondness for them books with the words in ’em.  Diction-fairy, we almost called him, but Tex wouldn’t have it on account of him not wanting to clap every time Panel started to disappear, which happened often.

‘Cause he was always shoving his nose in a book.  I’m not going to fast for you, am I?  It shouldn’t be that hard to follow along here, folks.

Anywho, long story short, Panel cut some squares and Tex did some scribblin’.  It was my idea to put numbers on the letters, because I’m a big fan of mixing numbers and letters.  Diversity, and all that.  Next thing you know Milton Parker’s throwing offers at Panel.  Panel put some numbers in a velvet bag, shook ’em up and took the first 7 that came out, and by Jesus, that fat cat with all his board game money paid it.

Panel lost it all in some fruit gamble.  Started up some kind of company that compared apples to oranges.  I told him the world wasn’t ready for that, but he wouldn’t listen.