Why did it take so long to caputre Whitey Bulger?

Well, Steve, I’m glad you asked.  The secret to the perfect Whitey Bulger is a mixture of 3/8ths rye whiskey, 3/8ths canned oyster juice, an eighth of corn syrup, and two of Carter’s Liver Pills dissolved in an eighth of soda water.

Mix it up, but don’t you dare shake it.  Use a stir stick, but not one with them fancy umbrellas on it.  You gotta use one shaped like George Washington’s saber, like God intended.  No, not sabre.  Just ’cause the Frenchies fought along side us back then don’t mean we gotta use their Jean Guy Foofoo spellin’ of real American words, like saber.  You get in there and poke that saber at any loose chunks of oyster.  Stir it all up, smooth as a young maid’s brow.

After you’ve got it stirred up, you set it out to cool on the windowsill like Ma’s delicious Sweet Onion Pie.  The window’s gotta be open, or the drink won’t set proper.  That means you’re either gonna need a whole pile of firewood, or you’re just going to have to get along in life acceptin’ you’re never gonna have a Whitey Bulger up north in the winter.

Now, you let that set out for about 2 hours or so.  Best possible use of this time is to give your little lady a little attention.  Second best possible use of this time is to punch a goddamn Ratzi in the face.  If you can’t find a lady or a Ratzi, then you’re just going to have to settle for the third best possible use of your time which is, of course, to write a letter to your local government demanding that the theater in your area return to playing Charlie Chaplin The Tramp shorts in the early evening time slot.  Can’t say I know what a Lego is, but I know I don’t need to see no motion picture about it.

Now there’s no rushin’ the cooling process.  One time in ’44, Ted Albacore tried to cool a Whitey Bulger in the making by flappin’ at it with a fan he’d found in the wreck of a downed Zero for 20 minutes.   Well, when Laney DuChamps tried to take a sip off it after her big USO show debut, it gave her a case of fishflake like you wouldn’t believe.  Never seen that particular shade of blue-gray before or since.

The thing most folks don’t realize about fishflake is that the only way an honest man or woman is going to get rid of it without 2 wire brushes and some turpentine is time.  But no doctor’s ever going to tell you that.  They’re too busy with their ‘scrips and their pills and their fancy wall papers.

Yup, it’s like my old Pa always said, “If you ain’t got time to finish, don’t even start pokin’ at a Whitey Bulger.”


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