— Anderson Cooper 360° (@AC360) February 26, 2014
This question comes from Anderson Cooper 3600. Now normally, I’m not a man who likes to talk about his time in the military, but who am I to turn down a man who shared his name with 3599 of his forefathers. You’re not gonna see this gentleman disrespect such a fine dynasty of barrel crafters.
But who’s surprised we’re in danger? Between the Democrabs and the Repulican’ts, we’ve got ourselves a town full of fat cats splashin’ around in our bowl of milk like its a goddamn kiddie pool. Anyone with a lick of sense will tell you that can’t lead to nothin’ but disaster. As my ol’ Pa used to say, “Ain’t nothin’ greedier than a splashin’ pussy.”
So obviously, it might seem like we’re going to see a smaller military, but the world seems to be forgetting one thing: Aliens. Now, sure, you’re gonna tell me I need to worry ’bout the Muslims and the Ruskies, and all the different flavors of the Chinee fellas over seas, but I bet you buttons to buttercups the real threat’s comin’ in from the skies.
What’s that mean? It means it’s time to double down. We need more guns, and robots, and robots with guns. If we’re gonna have all these squawk-boxes firing off insults at one another, tellin’ each other how big our bowel movements are–my last one was quite substantial. Reminded me of a time when Skinny Pete Sandford tried to send his little lady a Valentine’s card from the front in the Big One. That’s WWII for those not in the know–and sharing the same goddamn jokes Lunky Gus Pendleton was tellin’ when I was 10, only plastered on some picture of a sunset or a goddamn cat, we might as well start working on some robots that are gonna be able to kill 18 foot tall super soldier Ratzi Aliens in giant robotic battle suits. While we’re at it, we might as well turn the telescopes to the skies and stick lasers on ’em.
And aren’t we livin’ in the future? Where’s my goddamn moving sidewalk?